The title of this post comes from the way i would most hate to see myself described, yet the way i see myself sometimes. How i imagine the Daily Mail would depict me.
I have had narcolepsy more than half my life and it has totally dictated how i live, yet i could count on one hand the number of people aware of this , and that includes my doctor. i would rather be seen as a bit crap, a bit lazy than be labelled as someone with a medical condition. Which is pathetic, i know.It is something that troubles me constantly, and goes against all other elements of my personality. I am always the one who 'has to be different'. Thinking back to my teenage years i guess ther was an element of intention in this, of rebellion, but then i never wanted to be like everyone else when i was a kid. Now though, i have come to believe it is an intrinsic part of me. So my fear of being seen as narcoleptic is in contrast with the rest of my psyche. I am an intensly private person. Perhaps because of all of the above, although when i think of my family that pretty much describes us all. As such, writing about myself like this is a somewhat strange and perhaps therapeutic act. I am hoping it might be anyway. Sometimes i think i would be better off if i 'engaged' with my condition more but then i go through phases of researching it on the internet and become saturated.
The fact i live off benefit kills me everyday. i am hugely ashamed and enormously grateful. Unfortunatly this makes me an easy target to be messed around by 'the system'. And believe me, i have been.
My daughter is the centre of my world. I try so hard to be the best i can for her, yet being a 'narcoleptic benefits slut' and single parent (inevitably..), i constantly disappoint myself.
Overall i am incredibly grateful. So my life could be better, whos couldn't Whats more important is the overwhelming knowledge that it could be a hell of a lot worse.